As the year 2014 comes to a close I thought about resolutions, and how many I make every year and over the years must be hundreds, then I thought about how many I stuck to, certainly not as many as I made, there’s the thing, I feel that I set myself up to fail, when each year I say:
“This year I’m going to….. This year I want to….. This year will be…..”
As I said in my previous post, I want to change make things happen, but don’t change the actual thinking behind the thought, I’ve learned you cannot rebuild on crumbling architecture, like a house of cards it will hold for a while, then collapse in on itself, and your left wondering what happened, then give up until the next year.
That’s the other problem why must we only make changes in the New Year, like January 1st just wipes the slate clean, it doesn’t, why because the thinking hasn’t changed, and if I follow my track record I’d ditch those resolutions and try different ones, you see how that goes, I end up in a sea of cards, talk about the house that jack built!
After depression or the worst of it is over and you try to reclaim your life, your supposed to be more whole, balanced, well up to a point that is true, however the relief at just being well enough to function, needs a whole other set of thinking if your progress is to be successful.
Through therapy and/or a network of friends, you can talk about why, childhood, adolescense, work, relationships, family, and we make adjustments on how to cope better, we open ourselves up to let the light in, and in that after glow it shines brightly,then can sometimes dim, because were human and not perfect, but you can feel your letting others down by not being fully recovered, and for yourself it just reinforces the notion, that you’re not quite good enough, and worse still those feelings can spiral into something else much darker.
So we resolve to do better, perhaps we even tell those close to us were going to do better this time, but that’s to make them happy, we do so much to make others happy, there isn’t any happiness leftover for yourself, so much for being responsible for own happiness, because anyone who is a depressive, knows that through lack of awareness if you don’t strive to make many around you comfortable at least with your behaviour, you can be seen as indulgent, attention seeking or worse diagnosed as mad.
To get back to resolutions this year I’m not going to build my expectations and disappoint myself all over again, the last month has been pretty crappy, being homeless means I don’t have to wear a mask, I’ve just become faceless, however I’ve decided to use that to my advantage, it means I can get on with what I need to without distraction, hows that for changing my thinking?
I’ve already set out my plans for the first part of the year all manageable and attainable, also for a change I’m treating it like business, the business of me, and try to chart my progress in a real way thus giving me a benchmark for the following years, as it will take a couple of years to be fully back in charge of my life.
I’m also working on a mission statement, nothing like the old one, which was more about my career(a lightbulb moment) and said nothing about me personally, the problem with that being I lived to work and not the other way around, by having this statement its something that I can carry around and apply it’s tenets in a more positive fashion.
The tiny doubts are there, but this shaky foundation will no longer suffice, being rootless is just that, I’m determined to build a structure that will hold.