After writing this piece Exposed it came to me despite my anxiety, it wouldn’t be a bad thing to leave my self-imposed comfort zone.
To another commenter last night I related that I used to be the life and soul of any party, but lost the skills through depression, I didn’t realise how much until I got this invitation to spend Christmas with friends.
Now these are fairly new friends of the last 12 months, they don’t really know my back history, but I will say it has taken quite a while for me to gel with them, and vice versa and they seem comfortable enough for me to spend the day with them and their family.
I’m still quite panicked, but yesterday their daughter was buying her gifts and said that she’d got me a gift too, which was incredibly sweet as I’d expected nothing, and was very touched, so the gate has been opened and all I have to do is go through it.
Stepping out of my circle is proving challenging, when in the grip of depression you do forget, the companionship people can bring, conversation other than your own problems, focusing on enjoying moments in life, and also most telling for me, that even though I have a very good but small network of support, it’s a positive thing to seek other outlets to nourish your life.
Before when I wrote about depression, I more about getting over it and being in recovery, rather than what can I do to move forward and to have more in my life, I think that’s why I went off the deep end earlier in the month when the disastrous situation of becoming homeless again set of a chain in my mind that almost had me dwelling in that dark place again at the same time I rushed forth making decisions and planning the future feeling that I had to do something to hold back the tide, you see I thought being in recovery meant I was better, but it’s only the start of the process and I feel foolish now, and realise there is more work to be done.
So back to Christmas, it’s a double-sided coin, I’m looking forward to it, but have this feeling of dread, especially that I might become emotional, you see always holding back, there’s nothing wrong with tears, though at the same time I don’t really want to reveal this aspect of myself, so the mask will be loosely in place just in case.
I’ve even written out a few cards, and bought stockings to fill with small gifts for the girls, one is only 10 months old and will probably enjoy the wrapping more lol, I think they’ll be happy with what they get.
There will be several others there too a bit of an open house, when I heard that yesterday, I almost ran, giving myself a good talking to last night, I came to the realisation “how bad can it be” really how bad! at least I will know everybody there, so there will be distractions and I won’t be noticed if I have some quiet moments.
The positives are:
I accepted the invitation
I’ve got into the spirit of things
I’m looking forward to the day(although with trepidation)
I’ve written cards and bought gifts
I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone
I won’t be alone.