I don’t know when I became aware of thinking too much, in fact I laughed when I first hard the term, my question being “how can you think too much” it didn’t seem possible, over the years as the cracks became larger I put my erratic behaviour down to stress.
The reality being was that I was over thinking every single event in my life, going over and over the same ground, trying to effect a different solution each time, but only ending up in the same place, which basically was me standing still.
To distract myself I immersed myself in other people’s problems, just soaking up all their grief like a sponge, which of course it gave me more to think about, it’s a wonder my brain didn’t explode, as none of these problems seemed to have a point of exit, I’ve a sneaking feeling that I purposely looked for other problems as away of not dealing with my own(seems quite obvious now).
It amazes me how I managed how I stayed coherent, as some of my friends/colleagues various issues went from mild to critical state and there I was just absorbing it all, my thinking was that I was helping, well I was because it meant they didn’t have to deal with it, because I always felt responsible, and felt terrible if I let someone down even to my own detriment.
If results weren’t favourable, I blamed myself for not doing enough, frankly with somethings it’s a wonder I could do anything at all, and have often wondered if I didn’t make things worse, which in turn make me feel guilty, but also in perverse way make me redouble my efforts, which sometimes I felt a little unappreciated as people step out of your life, but now in hindsight I was probably a little too much.
It still all comes down to wanting to be perceived as a good person which of course I believe that I am, but the need to prove it constantly put me under a great deal of pressure, and when it came to dealing with my own issues I was unable to cope, also having to re-learn how to put myself first, was alien to me and quite painful to empathetic with myself.
Saying no, made me feel incredibly guilty, you know that letting down the side feeling and the looks of approachment made my stomach churn, but as a friend said to me years later “where were they when you needed them” good question, but not one I’ve examined to closely, I can do nothing about it now,
So I still over think, but have taught myself to switch of and I have my blog, where I can empty my head of all that tumbles around in it, and for that I thank my followers very much for reading.