Human Sponge

cef97qc0ifmb_1gbrql5_ph_l_lsApparently I think too much! tell me something I don’t know…

I don’t know when I became aware of thinking too much, in fact I laughed when I first hard the term, my question being “how can you think too much” it didn’t seem possible, over the years as the cracks became larger I put my erratic behaviour down to stress.

The reality being was that I was over thinking every single event in my life, going over and over the same ground, trying to effect a different solution each time, but only ending up in the same place, which basically was me standing still.

To distract myself I immersed myself in other people’s problems, just soaking up all their grief like a sponge, which of course it gave me more to think about, it’s a wonder my brain didn’t explode, as none of these problems seemed to have a point of exit, I’ve a sneaking feeling that I purposely looked for other problems as away of not dealing with my own(seems quite obvious now).

It amazes me how I managed how I stayed coherent, as some of my friends/colleagues various issues went from mild to critical state and there I was just absorbing it all, my thinking was that I was helping, well I was because it meant they didn’t have to deal with it, because I always felt responsible, and felt terrible if I let someone down even to my own detriment.

If results weren’t favourable, I blamed myself for not doing enough, frankly with somethings it’s a wonder I could do anything at all, and have often wondered if I didn’t make things worse, which in turn make me feel guilty, but also in perverse way make me redouble my efforts, which sometimes I felt a little unappreciated as people step out of your life, but now in hindsight I was probably a little too much.

It still all comes down to wanting to be perceived as a good person which of course I believe that I am, but the need to prove it constantly put me under a great deal of pressure, and when it came to dealing with my own issues I was unable to cope, also having to re-learn how to put myself first, was alien to me and quite painful to empathetic with myself.

Saying no, made me feel incredibly guilty, you know that letting down the side feeling and the looks of approachment made my stomach churn, but as a friend said to me years later “where were they when you needed them” good question, but not one I’ve examined to closely, I can do nothing about it now,

So I still over think, but have taught myself to switch of and I have my blog, where I can empty my head of all that tumbles around in it, and for that I thank my followers very much for reading.

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About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
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6 Responses to Human Sponge

  1. I had a very difficult time with the words, “No”, and “Thank you.”, the latter being after given a compliment. I’m getting better with the “Thank you”, but still have a lot of trouble with “No”. I have found though, that if I just be the me that I’ve become through the love of Christ, just comes naturally, and so I prove myself, not with words, but by just being ‘me’.

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    • Sometimes it’s hard to distinguish what is just simple pleasantry such as “thank you” without it having a percieved suspicious meaning, saying No is still difficult for me but I’m learning to do it without guilt.

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  2. I’ve often found that folks who “over-think” things are of higher-than-average intelligence, so it’s no bad thing in my book 🙂

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  3. nemyawaiting says:

    Wow… thank you for this. It really hit home for me. I’m learning to guide my thoughts through mindfulness. And I find that as I continue to learn who I am, I don’t have to over think things as much. But my biggest struggle has always been allowing everyone else’s issues to distract me from my own. It’s draining. Except I was too timid, afraid of rejection and had one too many people let me know that what I did do wasn’t good enough that I actually didn’t do much else for them. I just worried about it. Allowed it to weigh me down. And the guilt for not doing what I thought I should do was often the straw. I hope that you will be able to completely shake yourself free of those worries… at least free enough to have peace.

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