Following my Christmas theme, as I said in my last post Tis The Season I’d been invited to friends for Christmas, it’s been worrying me for a few weeks, but I learned I’d be helping with the cooking and stuff, so I can relax a bit, which also means I can hide, I don’t do family stuff very well.
However horror of horrors I’ve received another 2 invitations to spend the day..yes the whole day with not really friends but more than acquaintances and families.
I was a bit non plussed to say the least, one invite was they couldn’t believe that I was happy to be alone and because of recent events didn’t think I should be alone, the 2nd invite for similar reasons, and she stated that I need people around me at a time like this.
I can tell you right now as appreciative as I am about these invites, a low-level panic has set in, the first I can cope with just about, but the other two dredge up scenarios of being sat in a chair and fussed over for the WHOLE day, not that might be somebody’s idea of fun but for me it’ll be like some macabre theater of curiosity and I’m the curiosity, I just don’t think I can deal with the encouraging looks, bright smiles you know like those in toothpaste commercials, being talked at in low even tones, and any subject that might upset me is to be avoided.
The other reason is now I feel I’m obligated and have to buy gifts, and feel embarrassed to explain I’m on a very tight budget, even those concerns have been waved, I still feel as though I should bring something or offer my services such as washing up, or entertain the kids somehow.
Another reason is that I should be entertaining singing for my supper so to speak, both options fill me with dread, and I can’t refuse to go as the invitations were proffered with great kindness, and it makes me feel shitty to have these thoughts at all.
Apart from my small network of trusted friends, I am alone, and have got used to it, though too much introspection is not always a good thing and I do need to live outside of my head more, and step outside of my circle and be braver about spending more time with other people.
I just thought of another thing, what to wear, as I’ll be spending the day, I need to be a lot neater so that also means hair and makeup, I’m not scruffy by any means, but more afraid of making that extra effort.
This year I just wanted to think about my plans for 2015 and how best to put them into action and hope that it will stabilise my future going forward, I’ve had quite a severe know and though I didn’t completely back slide , I didn’t like the feeling of being in free fall without the aid of a safety net, the dark feelings have receded, but I’ve realised how easily I can fall back into the grip of negative thinking which equals depression, I don’t need to be in that place anymore.
As for my invitations I know that they come from the heart and I’ll probably have a good time, and I’m quite touched I was asked and don’t want to appear ungrateful, for them reaching out to me, however I am apprehensive, to end on a positive note I feel I can cope.