This morning was the time for introspection, which is not always the best idea to go over old ground without breaking in new, as it were, anyway just lying there thinking over the events in my life that have broken me into a million pieces and also thinking of the many times I’ve put myself together was sobering to say the least.
I’m still not sure which was the harder the mental breakdowns, or the rebuilding, the breakdowns have a devastating effect on your life there isn’t one area in which it doesn’t wreak havoc, it was not in my plan, well it’s not in anybody’s plan to lose oneself is it, and when I think back about the years wasted on this it makes me want to weep.
On rebuilding, you face other challenges, I’m not that girl anymore or even that woman, I’m trying to morph into someone more whole, to be present, to matter, and I was doing pretty well with recovery until I hit a major bump in the road, which to be truthful has set be back some, but overall despite a bit of a meltdown I’m still here still fighting the good fight.
My attitude will determine the new path I must take, even though I’m still sofa surfing and money is very tight, I eat daily and have a roof over my head most nights, and am still able to work, I’ve stripped the mask away, and let others know of my plight, so the new year should prove fruitful if the trust I have put in others pans out .
The work front for 2015 looks promising, as above I’ve put trust in people so hope is always high on the list and with hard work it will prove fruitful.
As for being fifty so far so good, I had a love day was treated to lunch and had dinner with friends and several beverages lol so all in all I’m feeling pretty mellow, and seem to have got my equilibrium back which can’t be a bad thing.