December 1964

fiftyToday (23.47pm UK time) I reached my half century, a milestone that sometimes I thought I’d never reach, well here I am.

This morning was the time for introspection, which is not always the best idea to go over old ground without breaking in new, as it were, anyway just lying there thinking over the events in my life that have broken me into a million pieces and also thinking of the many times I’ve put myself together was sobering to say the least.

I’m still not sure which was the harder the mental breakdowns, or the rebuilding, the breakdowns have a devastating effect on your life there isn’t one area in which it doesn’t wreak havoc, it was not in my plan, well it’s not in anybody’s plan to lose oneself is it, and when I think back about the years wasted on this it makes me want to weep.

On rebuilding, you face other challenges, I’m not that girl anymore or even that woman, I’m trying to morph into someone more whole, to be present, to matter, and I was doing pretty well with recovery until I hit a major bump in the road, which to be truthful has set be back some, but overall despite a bit of a meltdown I’m still here still fighting the good fight.

My attitude will determine the new path I must take, even though I’m still sofa surfing and money is very tight, I eat daily and have a roof over my head most nights, and am still able to work, I’ve stripped the mask away, and let others know of my plight, so the new year should prove fruitful if the trust I have put in others pans out .

The work front for 2015 looks promising, as above I’ve put trust in people so hope is always high on the list and with hard work it will prove fruitful.

As for being fifty so far so good, I had a love day was treated to lunch and had dinner with friends and several beverages lol so all in all I’m feeling pretty mellow, and seem to have got my equilibrium back which can’t be a bad thing.

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About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
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2 Responses to December 1964

  1. Happy Birthday! 🙂 I’m glad you’re still here and fighting. *hugs* You’ll be back on your feet in a big way in no time.

    (Also, my oldest was born at 2343 on her birthday. Pretty sure that’s why she’s such a cerebral night owl. 😉 )

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