Another side to the Aplogetic Depression is how willing we are to take the blame for just about everything.
The capacity for taking responsibility for stuff that doesn’t even have anything to do with you amazes me, so much so that you actually believe it to be true.
We let people off with their bad behaviour and not only apologise for it, we also take on the full blame of whatever circumstance occurs at that time, what stuns me is that people let you do it, let them off the hook.
They don’t realise that your ill and the very nature of your illness, is lack of self-worth, confidence ,happiness, all the things they take for granted, and when you take on the extra load of blame you crumble a little more.
We lose the ability to articulate how we feel, thusly when situations arise we rush to the front to willingly take the blame, it’s a terrible vicious circle and when left alone with your own thoughts it morphs into some terrible force that you obsess over, it’s a really hard habit to break.
You work on perfection or at least not allowing others to see your pain as it is, and believe me that takes work to keep that carefully constructed faced intact, but like a sponge you soak up all the ills of the world like a human Pandora’s Box, the difference being hope isn’t in that treasure chest of goodies.
I read something today about being “in the present”, I would agree, however when you have lost the will to function, the present doesn’t represent something to look forward to, it’s all about the dark space you’re in now, so while I try to exercise positive thinking, the negative seems always to triumph and taking that next step is like climbing Everest.
So for me this week is to stop blaming myself for everything that befalls me, crap happens all the time, also to stop soaking up other people’s negativity and not only apologising, but not taking responsibility for it either, I feel that is the only way I can be present to change my circumstances and move forward effectively.