I’ve still not found anywhere permanent to live, those that were suitable were too expensive at the moment, another disappointment is that I don’t earn enough money to rent anything other than a flea pit.
I’ve alienated myself from friends which is 50/50 as one said “it’s disappointing to see you come so far and back to square one” that little statement made my self-confidence plummet to rock bottom, so what did I do I apologised for being such a failure, which hurt nad made me angrier, but it only reinforced my own culpability and disappointment.
I don’t blame anybody for my current situation, though it pisses me off that there wasn’t even a series of events that led up to this, the rug was pulled out from under me, and I didn’t really have time to act or even fight my corner, and still have no idea what precipitated my housemate to remove my property, thusly me from her premises, and basically out onto the street.
Sofa surfing is no fun, but beggars can’t be choosers and at least I do have a temporary roof over my head, so for that I’m grateful, and tomorrow I’m viewing several more places so hopefully within a week I’ll be situated.
Back to disappointment, it just tears you up inside, it’s said from expecting too much, well the joke is on me, because the only person I expect too much from is me,and each time I coast along for a while then something goes wrong, sounds self-pitying I know, but when your life spins out of control it’s hard to find something to hang onto, let alone stop the juggernaut of further disappoint, depression, feelings of inadequacy to a stop.
I keep putting myself out on a limb, because as I progressed in my recovery, passing each stepping stone, I didn’t think the steps had to be maintained, I believed I was fixed and it was a short few steps to full circle, I was wrong again it seems, disappointed much!
I know this is just a bump in the road, I know it, but it’s just facing it all again that I can’t stand, though I know I have to, and I’m running on empty the brick wall looms and I know I can’t avoid it, and just hope the damage is minimal, I know where all these feelings can lead, and to go back their frightens me, and I must summon my strength to forge a new path and not allow the blackness engulf me again.