Disappointment.

images11Think about how disappointed I am with myself is an understatement, sometimes I’m just so stupid that I miss the obvious signs then end up in a dreadful mess with no one to blame but myself as usual.

I’ve still not found anywhere permanent to live, those that were suitable were too expensive at the moment, another disappointment is that I don’t earn enough money to rent anything other than a flea pit.

I’ve alienated myself from friends which is 50/50 as one said “it’s disappointing to see you come so far and back to square one” that little statement made my self-confidence plummet to rock bottom, so what did I do I apologised for being such a failure, which hurt nad made me angrier, but it only reinforced my own culpability and disappointment.

I don’t blame anybody for my current situation, though it pisses me off that there wasn’t even a series of events that led up to this, the rug was pulled out from under me, and I didn’t really have time to act or even fight my corner, and still have no idea what precipitated my housemate to remove my property, thusly me from her premises, and basically out onto the street.

Sofa surfing is no fun, but beggars can’t be choosers and at least I do have a temporary roof over my head, so for that I’m grateful, and tomorrow I’m viewing several more places so hopefully within a week I’ll be situated.

Back to disappointment, it just tears you up inside, it’s said from expecting too much, well the joke is on me, because the only person I expect too much from is me,and each time I coast along for a while then something goes wrong, sounds self-pitying I know, but when your life spins out of control it’s hard to find something to hang onto, let alone stop the juggernaut of further disappoint, depression, feelings of inadequacy to a stop.

I keep putting myself out on a limb, because as I progressed in my recovery, passing each stepping stone, I didn’t think the steps had to be maintained, I believed I was fixed and it was a short few steps to full circle, I was wrong again it seems, disappointed much!

I know this is just a bump in the road, I know it, but it’s just facing it all again that I can’t stand, though I know I have to, and I’m running on empty the brick wall looms and I know I can’t avoid it, and just hope the damage is minimal, I know where all these feelings can lead, and to go back their frightens me, and I must summon my strength to forge a new path and not allow the blackness engulf me again.

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About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
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5 Responses to Disappointment.

  1. Amidst your sadness, my friend, I hear wisdom and rational thinking. That’s not easy for most. (Me for one). Dose that mean you aren’t hurting right now? No. But I believe in you and you believe in you. Yes there may or may not be a brick wall ahead. Knowing its presence is a possibility may help you be prepared for it. I’ll be looking forward to hearing how your house hunting goes tomorrow. Sleep tight.

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    • Thanks your kind words mean a lot.

      I’m struggling, but managing to see light, and hopefully the way clear, just sometimes that inner war can take over,I’ll try to swerve as the wall looms closer.

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  2. You know there isn’t much I can see that doesn’t sound trite or condescending LOL (Hopefully that comment alone might bring a faint smile to your face…)

    …but know that you have a strength within that is unbreakable and that will carry you through, if you’ll let it.

    You’re a fighter. Sure, you’re on the ropes, but you’re not out for the count. I’m a nerd, I love Doctor Who, so I’ll leave you with my favourite quote, the one I used to tell myself two years ago (almost to the day) when I was going through a divorce, my son needed surgery on his kidney, my estranged wife had a cancer scare and my (now ex) stepson decided to smash the front door down in a fit of rage…

    …this is what I would say to Life…

    “Come on! Look at me. No plan, no back up, no weapons worth a damn. Oh, and something else. I don’t have anything to lose! So, if you’re sitting up there in your silly little spaceship, with all your silly little guns, and you’ve got any plans on taking the Pandorica tonight, just remember who’s standing in your way. Remember every black day I ever stopped you, and then, and then, do the smart thing. Let somebody else try first.”

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  3. It’s disappointing to see you come so far and backto aquare one” How about some encouragement, an “I’m sorry” a hug, an “I’m here for you”? some friend…Yiu’re not a disappointment. You’re not dumb. You’re not a failure. Sending many hugs and hopes your way.

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