I haven’t fallen into a full-blown episode, but the signs are there and today it hit me like a physical blow and immediately my mind screamed “not again” just as it seems determined to engulf me again, I’m fighting back with every fibre of my being, I need my strength now, I need to overcome recent obstacles and if I allow myself to be overtaken by events again well I don’t even want to go there.
The freedom just to be is so enticing and I almost have it, in the reasoned part of my mind I know it’s just a set back a huge one, but not insurmountable, I can and will triumph with this set back , the wheels are in motion and I’ve been proactive to getting a successful conclusion, though as per usual, the doubts and the anxieties linger.
I would like the freedom to just get on with my life, it’s doesn’t have to be this amazing perfect thing I’ve always striven for, I’d be happy with just my peace of mind to be able to enjoy the mundane ans the occasional amazing turns life can give you, it’s not too much to ask is it.
Someone said today “in life we all have problems what makes you so special” my first reaction was to visit some kind of physical violence on them, but I took a breath and counted quickly to ten, smiled sweetly and simply said ” we are all special, and my problems are not the same as yours however as I am not you I have no idea how you travel on your road, but my road is special to me and I’m the only one that can travel on it to reach my end goal”
Of course that was met with silence, that was my positive today because I gave her pause to think, I can only hope that she realises that just because she isn’t depressed that some people can become broken and it takes time to put the pieces back together.
I would also like that everyone who has suffered MH issues have the freedom to talk about not in hushed tones in doctors surgeries but out in the open and not be judged by it.