Again…..

New-ChapterI don’t think it was exactly an epiphany, but thinking today about the last 4 days, gave me only two choices give up or begin again well I have to say that I almost gave up, last week I actually hoped I wouldn’t wake up, I haven’t felt that way in a very long time.

With that thought rattling around I began to look at my progress over the last couple of years and I had many small victories and when added together I haven’t done badly at all, yes I’m still plagued by the occasional mood swings and OCD episodes, occasional feelings of unworthiness, but there is also a modicum strength there.

So what do I do now, well firstly I do wake up, not feeling quite as overwhelmed as the day before, and with the rising hope that I will get through this.

Another factor that I found quite disturbing is that in just over 2 weeks I’ll be 50 and there was the unsettling feeling that I should be more in control of my life now, I’ve been through the mire several times and have survived, now i need to make more concrete plans to ensure that this doesn’t continue.

I made several decisions especially about my finances which I didn’t deal with the aftermath properly which led to my homeless state, and now I need to take charge of that and will probably have to file for bankruptcy, which will be tough but will allow me to build a better future and be more financially stable.

Obviously find somewhere new to live and have my list and will be pounding the pavement over the next few days, that is paramount.

Look at my job prospects, I do work but don’t earn enough, and I have a pretty good skill set and ultimately would like to work for myself, and have several ideas that are workable and won’t cost much plus I’m already doing it but need to be more organised and better paid. (I used to be such a go getter).

It’s only 3 things, however I know I can achieve them, I need to be less rootless, I’m in recovery and haven’t really taken the next step I got comfortable and didn’t have a plan B.

Although I decided not to have a breakdown, the dark clouds are still playing about the edges and I’m scared not only of the future will bring, but more for myself and how I deal with my various issues over the next few weeks, I have this awful hollow feeling inside, so there is a duel going on, and hope which is my byword, with luck will sustain me.

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About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
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9 Responses to Again…..

  1. I think you can do it, new year new start. Your never too old to do something. 🙂 there is always time. Don’t feel unsettled about your life. My parents both got their most recent jobs after they turned 50. It’s never too late to begin a career.

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  2. I’ve missed a lot… been busy writing… I don’t know what to say that isn’t going to sound trite and condescending… so please know, at least, that I’m thinking of you and wishing you well 🙂

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  3. That’s the crux of it, really. Keep deciding not to have a breakdown and do whatever is possible beyond that each day.

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  4. When I turned 50 and was looking at a blank state for the future, I was also mired in all the emotional and mental turmoil that spun within me like a tornado. I just turned 55, and that turmoil has subsided a great deal (though I still have my moments), but I still have that blank slate for a future. But that’s ok, because I know I will continue to get better no matter what road I choose to take.

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