I don’t think it was exactly an epiphany, but thinking today about the last 4 days, gave me only two choices give up or begin again well I have to say that I almost gave up, last week I actually hoped I wouldn’t wake up, I haven’t felt that way in a very long time.
With that thought rattling around I began to look at my progress over the last couple of years and I had many small victories and when added together I haven’t done badly at all, yes I’m still plagued by the occasional mood swings and OCD episodes, occasional feelings of unworthiness, but there is also a modicum strength there.
So what do I do now, well firstly I do wake up, not feeling quite as overwhelmed as the day before, and with the rising hope that I will get through this.
Another factor that I found quite disturbing is that in just over 2 weeks I’ll be 50 and there was the unsettling feeling that I should be more in control of my life now, I’ve been through the mire several times and have survived, now i need to make more concrete plans to ensure that this doesn’t continue.
I made several decisions especially about my finances which I didn’t deal with the aftermath properly which led to my homeless state, and now I need to take charge of that and will probably have to file for bankruptcy, which will be tough but will allow me to build a better future and be more financially stable.
Obviously find somewhere new to live and have my list and will be pounding the pavement over the next few days, that is paramount.
Look at my job prospects, I do work but don’t earn enough, and I have a pretty good skill set and ultimately would like to work for myself, and have several ideas that are workable and won’t cost much plus I’m already doing it but need to be more organised and better paid. (I used to be such a go getter).
It’s only 3 things, however I know I can achieve them, I need to be less rootless, I’m in recovery and haven’t really taken the next step I got comfortable and didn’t have a plan B.
Although I decided not to have a breakdown, the dark clouds are still playing about the edges and I’m scared not only of the future will bring, but more for myself and how I deal with my various issues over the next few weeks, I have this awful hollow feeling inside, so there is a duel going on, and hope which is my byword, with luck will sustain me.