Hampsters Wheel

hamster wheelSeems the ride is back on! the last few days have been hellish to say the least and chased me down the rabbit hole again, where scary things happen.

Seems I’m going through the grieving process and have got stuck on anger, which is good because I can feel it, and it’s driving me forward to yet again face another trial in my life.

I have to take another path, a different journey to reach my goals of taking charge of my life and maintaining it, and that’s what’s pissing me off, I was so close this time to finally putting all that detritus behind me I was in the home straight.

My courage failed me the last few days, but each day I wake up and go on, I function not well, but enough to get me through the day, I’ve been more open about my situation this time, so my mask was not superglued to my face, my tears were there to see, but then I know all the tricks to hide your pain, but I didn’t so that’s a kind of progress.

To be honest I feel panicky and confused so my emotions have still not reconciled with what’s happened and I’m scared of what will happen when they do and am fearful of being alone when the black cloud settles fully over me, and it will, and in a weird way it gives me a measure of comfort, because it’s an escape from everything, and you know what?  I’m sick of escaping.

I’m going to stop now I’m all over the place, and need to think about tomorrow.


About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
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2 Responses to Hampsters Wheel

  1. Be careful about ‘What is’ going to happen. There is always the possibility of self-fulfilling prophesy.

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