Well after yesterday’s debacle When Life Knocks You Down I hoped I wouldn’t wake up this morning, but I did and feel as though I was underwater struggling to come to the surface again.
All that keeps flashing through my is AGAIN I have to deal with this crap all over again, after taking over 2 years to rebuild everything inside out up and down even bloody sideways AGAIN it was like a bad replay of Groundhog day.
Well here I am mentally battered and surviving will a simile of that, luckily it was busy at work and that at least kept me occupied, but here now alone with my thoughts, dread is setting in as to what I’m going to do, how to move forwards.
Deep down I know it’s just another set back, but the rising panic in the pit of my stomach another voice whispers “give up” but I can’t I’ve been there and don’t want to go back, but where to find the strength my mind is a blank and I just can’t get past this for now, I need more time and I don’t have it.
Last night my mind ran the gamut of emotions, all the pep talks I give myself, all the hope about recovery, the positive affirmations, motivation were all just mocking me almost waiting until I was on the cusp of happiness, then tearing me down just before I got to the finish line.
I’ll have to start over, but something has snapped and I have no idea if that will be a good thing or bad, I hope it’s for the good, the black dog is snapping at my heels trying to reclaim me, sounds over dramatic doesn’t it, but it’s how I feel.
As Scarlet said (Gone With The Wind) tomorrow is another day.