As I’ve written here I’ve been dealing with homelessness, due to debts, depression and everything else between, well I finally resolved that or so I thought.
I had been lodging with a friend, and helping them out too by being a kind of part time carer, so it was an ideal situation for both of us.
I left early this morning as I was not working at my usual place but doing some bookkeeping for a client, when I get a phone call, apparently my landlady had decided it was time for me to go, called my place of work demanding to speak to me, and when hearing I wasn’t there she told them I had some things at her place.
Long story short, in between them calling me and me trying to call her, she had loaded my belongings into a taxi and sent them to my place of work……………….
This is so out of the blue and she refused to take my many phone calls or respond to text messages, so I still have no clue as to what happened, she is also depressed and perhaps she’s had an episode get that, however we were friendly enough this morning and last night when we chatted for a while.
And yet again I feel life has slapped me in the face and frankly after everything that has happened over the last two years, and my recovery, seems I’m back at square one, all that progress has been for nought.
This afternoon I just fell into a pit of despair, after securing my belongings and making hasty explanations and finding somewhere to stay for the next week or so, I’m just shattered, the future that looked so enticing now looks bleak.
This is what happens when you think everything is ok, I got complacent took my eye off the ball and here I am just a useless mess who can’t even keep a roof over their head, all those old feelings of inadequacy came rushing back like a tidal wave today and still rumbling as I write.
There is no light just blackness, and me wanting to fall into it and let it wash me away, and yet again I have to find strength, from where I have no idea, the thought of waking up tomorrow and facing it is too much to contemplate, I’m only writing to let it all out, but the damage has been done and all I can do is wait for the black dog to return.
I did tell my BF about the days events, but they are away on business, and I’m staying at their apartment for now, they have been incredibly supportive, but I just can’t get up, and I know I have to I have to fight again to keep my mind intact, keep my head up face it, but for tonight I can’t.
Hopefully tomorrow I can rise again to do what needs to be done.