Past Imperfect

35683-Let-Go-Of-The-Past...In putting myself together, I’ve had to talk, and so it seems talk for Britain, this was one of the hardest things I found in therapy, was this constant opening up about myself.

I seriously never imagined that I would have so much to talk about, but once the floodgates opened I couldn’t seem to stop expounding on one theory after another I often wonder if therapists get bored, I mean dealing with all that grief day in day out, and trying to guide people to the other side.

I had 2 shots at therapy and the first time I don’t think i was really ready, I wasn’t quite a believer that my problems were real or indeed worth paying out £80 per hour for, especially as we never seemed to talk about what I wanted to talk about, that used to make me angry and my therapist patiently explained all things are connected it’s never just one thing.

I did continue for a while, even though I felt worse and didn’t have anywhere to put all that emotion, let alone now crying over stuff that I thought I had dealt with, so I stopped going, and relied on councillors which I’d found through work, we had private medical insurance so I talked to them for free, and they were pretty good, but using them as a band-aid didn’t really work either.

It was suggest I try again so back I went to the same therapist, who incidently was very nice, and we began again, and this time I opened my mind to it, well also this was last chance saloon to be blunt.

This time I stayed longer and we really got into the nitty-gritty of areas of my life and I did find it beneficial, though the talking was akin to splitting open a vein each week, I was never really comfortable with that, as essentially I’m quite a private person(even though I blog!!!!) what I mean to say is that there are somethings I your life that shouldn’t necessarily see the light of day, as these are thing that can never be resolved so it’s just best to keep them in their box and leave them there.

I made some discoveries, that then made perfect sense as to why I may have reacted to certain situations in life, and dealing with the avoidance of those issue was very hard work, but I got there in the end sort of.

Therapy this time lasted about 8 months, but again I left, I know that the past can shape your future, but it seemed to me in my case picking over the bones wasn’t getting me anywhere, and I knew what my triggers were by this stage it was enough and I didn’t want to find any more.

Ultimately therapy was beneficial, but it wasn’t really for me, although the main thing it taught me was not to let that pressure cooker build up in my head, let things out, talk more to my friends about what was going on with me ask for help and the help is there, though sometimes you have to jump through hoops to find it.

So for me I endeavour to leave the past behind though I don’t think you can completely, and concentrate on the future one day at a time.

I still feel the stigma of depression, all you have to do is listen to the conversations around you, or even at the doctor’s they are over stretched and mental health as a whole is woefully under funded so depending on where you live the services on offer can be limited, and it does seem to be like an assembly line where your just given a prescription and pushed along which a great shame, and your caught in the middle.

I’m still looking for Guest Bloggers



About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
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3 Responses to Past Imperfect

  1. emilyjazz says:

    Nobody is perfect, and having depression is something I can relate to, I think you might find it helpful to check out my blog, I help to support others who are struggling.


    • Thanks for commenting, I’m in recovery however I cover various aspects of my own battles with depression, mainly just to share my journey and to help and support others where I can.

      I’ll visit your blog it’s always worthwhile to see what others doing, I’m looking for guest bloggers so I’ll be happy to reblog:) to help get your message out there.


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