Endless Night

benchTIt’s 03.47 and still no sleep for me, I’ve got used to my insomnia which started over ten years ago, when through stress I turned from someone who got the eight hours per night to a nocturnal person.

Yesterday was quite a long day at work, and I was pretty tired , just looking forward to a long shower,some computer time and an early night, well that didn’t happen.

I could barely keep my eyes open when checking all my social media, my body screaming for sleep, so when I tried to relax, PING! I’m suddenly wide awake my mind now in overdrive stimulated by nothing.

Even now I’m not very sleepy but will go to bed as I’m working tomorrow, listening to the various noises such as the late night drunken revellers, shouting, heels clattering on the pavements and loud giggles as they try to pretend they’re reasonably sober, the occasional angry voice, cars, buses all going to to destination unknown.

The rain has been a constant tonight, watching a few minuets ago, the rain splashing on the pavement,  dispersing looking like millions of black diamonds, forming a mosaic on the wet concrete slabs, feeling the breeze on my face is very soothing, but not inducing sleep.

In former times the night or the witching hours used to be my friend and enemy, my friend when I could summon the energy to go usually around this time, just walking and thinking about nothing enveloped in my pain like a little ghost haunting the local streets, unseeing as I turned this way and that, not even realising that night had turned to day.

Also my enemy were my little playmates that came to visit, I swear it was during these hours that my self loathing was at its peak, my imaginary friends having a great time, me just watching from my corner as the night wears on praying for daylight.

The night-time is my friend when I seem to do my best thinking and am fairly creative, I watch movies, read, listen to music, just enjoying my own company, but most of all feel safe, with no fears. I’ve also been known to clean windows and get some serious housework done during these times.

I’ve tried all kinds of remedies, and nothing seems to work and have learned not to try to force sleep just let it come and every so often just crash and sleep the day away.

Depression disrupts so many aspects of our lives, and you have to learn everything again, to regain the structure in your life.

This poem comes from William Blake’s  Auguries of Innocence 

Every night and every morn,
Some to misery are born,
Every morn and every night,
Some are born to sweet delight.
Some are born to sweet delight,
Some are born to endless night.
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About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
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One Response to Endless Night

  1. ruksana2014 says:

    Reblogged this on A random blog about places & events and commented:
    Ditto.

    Like

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