Before I just forged ahead in life obviously ignoring all the warning signs How I Enabled My Depression.
I’m now at odds with the old me and this newly enlightened me, well maybe enlightened is going a bit to far, as I have still much to learn about myself and the limits to which I can go, I digress, but it seems now I have to be careful about everything I do.
When talking to others I need to reason with myself that they aren’t being personal, or verbally pinning someone against a wall asking them in minute detail what they meant, as this can mean hours and hours of obsessive nit-picking about the subject.
In turn that can also create hours of my thinking about am I being unreasonable, why am i reacting that way.
Do I get enough or too little sleep, in throes of my breakdown I could sleep for Britain and at other times I feared closing my eyes because I couldn’t handle what was going on behind them, and then the hallucinations set in, actually I don’t think it mattered whether I was awake or not, the pain was still white-hot and searing.
Am I eating correctly, I lost a lot of weight, I’ve now put it back on, so is my body out of balance if I diet will I take it too far, but to be overweight is not good either.
I used to be very social, hard-drinking hard living kinda girl, now I have quiet nights in, and smoke incessantly and even when I do go out for a drink I only have a couple,fear of losing control.
I’ve worked hard to build a network of good friends around me, but even then at 3am I think are they really my friends, I have a job, not at the level I was before and I find that difficult I’m used to being in charge and it stresses me a lot and makes me obsessive about doing everything perfectly.
Yes I’m in recovery I’ve learned that with help, but when that structured help is not available it’s difficult to know what to do with all my emotions, I was shut down for so long it’s like I’ve forgotten how to live, so there has to be structure and I get scared when I have to step outside that circle.
I’m so much further on than I was and won’t be going back, however moving forward is a fulltime job and in my attempts to do this I have to be constantly vigilant that my sometimes erratic behaviours don’t overcome me.
I am in the light, I have hope, belief, a little courage, most of all I just want to be free.