The gap inside is only ever filled with your own loathing and bereft of feeling any kind of self-worth, our trigger are numerous starting perhaps from some silly comment to a massive life change that your unable to process, it can leave you initially sick with anxiety to a full-blown breakdown.
We keep our thoughts secret, we wear a mask, like a clown which is always smiling, but beneath chaos reigns, the times I just wanted to get home, and you bump into someone who wants to chat, your mask slipping because all you want to do is go inside and hide take the mask off and live with the real you for another night.
How many days nights did you spend crying, screaming, silent, not eating, over eating, your skin literally crawling with the pain you felt inside.
How silent you were, not wanting to burden others with your problems, everyday telling yourself to get it together and at the same time agreeing with those thoughts in your head that you’re not fit for purpose.
How many times had you heard friends,colleagues, family scoff at those with mental illness, how many times did you want to ask for help but couldn’t paralysed by your fears.
How many times when asked by one or two,if you were ok did you shrug them off using the depressive’s standard line of “I’m fine”!
How many times did you feel isolated from friends and family, your watching them live life, but feel no connection to it.
How many times did you feel that if you were no longer here no one would care? your reasoning you would all be better off.
In my own case I did find out that many did care but couldn’t scale that wall i’d built around myself to keep them out, as time has moved on I’m grateful that some were watching from afar, and I do remember kindly smiles a quick squeeze on my hand, it was the only act of kindness they could give as they waited patiently for me to get back to the world of the living.
We know there is a shocking lack of awareness about mental illness and also for ourselves about the help available to us, all we have to do is read these blogs to know were not the only ones suffering, and to those who don’t understand, occasionally just ask and then listen, it could make a difference.