We were having a conversation at work the other day, anyway as usual we got onto the subject of relationships, bear in mind I was the only singleton, so were chatting about the ups and downs, when one of the women made this statement to me:
At almost fifty, I doubt you will find anybody now!
What a damning statement and a depressing one to boot, surprisingly this seemed to be the thought of the others too.
I really at the time didn’t have much of a response, but it made me feel that being single was a stigma, and I no longer by dint of my age had a chance of finding a longterm significant other.
Over the last ten years I’ve dealt with the death of my mother, the grief raw and all compassing as well as several bouts of depression, the last being the worse, having to give up my job which I loved as I wasn’t able to function and lastly homelessness, these are not excuses they’re facts, and basically I shut down.
I didn’t explain this too them, because of the statement made I knew there would be little understanding, however when you emotionally shut down there is no room for romance in any sense, I’ve been fighting for my mental health and anyone who has been through it knows your trapped in that prison and it takes everything.
I’ve never married or had children and often been made to feel that I’m selfish for choosing to be single, marriage and babies never appealed, that is not to say I was against it or even open to it, but it isn’t something I actively sought.
I’ve had several long-term relationships that ran their natural course and I have dated, but as I’ve said in another post I bring another type of baggage and it would have to be someone special who would be accepting of that, and be prepared to deal with the dark clouds that visit periodically(I think we sometimes forget the effect our depression has on those close to us).
I was also a little insulted about the mention of my age, I have no problem being fifty, considering there was a time when I didn’t think I’d make it, but does your age stop you from having a meaningful relationship, I think not, I have a lot to offer. I am choosy but so what, that’s experience talking not the number.
Love will not heal my brokeness only I can do that, even with the up and down days I believe I will make it, why because I’ve invested in me, I’ve talked and sought to understand until I’m blue in the face, I have my network of support and faced head on the stigma of mental health and homelessness and I try to find the courage each day to continue with my journey and mostly I succeed.
I’ve been my own judge, jury, executioner, looked deep into that abyss, chased myself into the rabbit hole, therefore I do not require the judgement of others, their lack emotional intelligence stuns me, but I will say in closing it says more about them than it does me.