Thinking about it some more today made me realise, how deeply enmeshed depression has been in my life, and the sadness I’ve been carrying around with me for all these years.
The writing process has been therapeutic, however I used a professional to help me wade through the mud slide that my mind had become, and although I didn’t use them all the time, therapy gave me a way to cope and to see some things more clearly.
The emotional upheaval has been like a tidal wave, as through these pages I relive some of the worst times of my life, asking even more questions than I did before, and still not finding the answers, even though life is a thousand times better than before I still have an emptiness that cannot be filled.
I am in recovery and perhaps I’m expecting too much, or even worse I have a sneaky feeling that I don’t deserve to be well , which is such utter nonsense, but still the thought lingers, it pisses me off that doubts have begun to creep into to mind my, and I’m fighting hard not to let it take me hostage again.
Having a random conversation a few days ago gave me even greater pause, it was said “there are others worse off than you” such a simple statement but loaded at the same time and yet again having to explain to the uneducated I did not want this, I did not envision my life being eaten up by a living nightmare.
We all know there are others worse off but when you’re at the epicenter of your own storm it’s all you can do to hang on, as it swirls about you pulling you under, you’re not thinking about anyone else, your struggle is “do I survive or do I let myself drown” that’s what it boiled down to, and no I wasn’t thinking about others being worse off, however that isn’t a selfish thought.
I had to explain again, that depression isn’t a lifestyle choice, it’s not something to be celebrated, when it comes right down to it you can’t even talk about it, WHY because it’s a silent secretive insidious illness and when faced with ignorance it just drives it further underground sucking up all in its path, and when you someone diminishes your illness they diminish you as a person, like I have no right to be depressed as others are worse off.
The conversation ended after my mini lecture and what made me really sad is that person will never seek to understand, it’s not a case of thinking about or helping others, what use could I be when I could barely function, I will not allow anyone make me feel guilty for having a mental illness, as the saying goes “walk a mile in my shoes”