There was a question asked on a blog a few weeks ago:
What are you afraid of?
My reply was everything and nothing! the truth of these words have a lot of meaning for me, in that, yes I’ve been to my own personal hell and back and have come out the other side, but does that mean I have courage, as I’m afraid of my recovery.
Let me try to explain, I’m well and still have bad days or weeks even, but it’s not the norm I can recognise it for what it is, however knowing how quickly things can go down hill it scares me, I’ve learned to be more open with my feelings and with others, that scares me too,I’ve accepted that I’m a depressive that scares me, so where do I find the courage to bring it all together.
Where can I find the courage not to be afraid, that good things can and will happen in my life,where does the courage come from to bring new people into your life and be honest about where you’re at, so many expectations, and occasionally I feel I’m setting myself up to fail.
Failure is a learning curve too, it can take courage to try to even greater courage to pick yourself up and try again, for so long I felt I was crap at life, even though I always felt I was a confident person, perhaps though more for others than myself, which is a sobering thought.
Letting go of all the bad is also frightening as you’ve harnessed those thoughts for so long to you they’re real, and the time it takes to replace them with positives is slow, because you have to find what works for you it begs the question “where is my happy ending” truth of the matter it’s there, and I have to work hard to put the pieces together.
My thoughts on everything are so fractured, and again I’m guilty of over thinking, it’s a blessing and a curse I’m now well but lack the courage to move forwards from this spot, it’s safe here, but lack the courage to move to the next stage.
Another blogger last week talked about loss of libido, it’s more than that, I went out on Saturday for a drink with a guy, and found I’d lost the art of flirting, and missed several obvious attempts I realised later, that he was flirting with me, this is not to say it was going to go further, but that interaction between a man and a woman opens up a world of possibilities, which means fun, but I was worried that if we had another date would I then have to explain about me and depression not all at once you understand, but I have to be honest.
We did exchange numbers and have talked since, so my slightly neurotic behaviour didn’t put him off, but my expectations are high that when we meet again, that I can’t find my groove, strangely I flirt with my best friend all the time and it can be very intense, but I’m safe in the knowledge that it will go no further, but the intensity sometimes confuses me, and feel I should take a step back, but the gap if put there, could never be closed and I would lose an essential part of our friendship.
So there you have it I’m afraid of everything and afraid of nothing because I’ve met my demons head on, but those were the fears in my mind, this is a newly put together me and the fears are more real because I should have the courage to deal with it…
Thanks for reading my garbled thoughts.