All week I’ve been feeling kind of not really present, being in recovery I expect relapses from time to time, if I’m not watchful the big bad wolf can catch me unawares, and begins to play his little tricks to get me to succumb to his will.
I have had a couple of arguments, one quite nasty, which settled over me like a hairy blanket and just continued to itch, but to today I managed to speak to the person agin and resolve the issue, which wasn’t mine to begin with, when you allow people to whisper in you ear, it can wreak havoc, it wold have been so much simpler had they come to me in the first place.
You learn in recovery not to let things fester, and I’d been aware that there had been a shift, though initially I thought I was being a little paranoid, as I’d said in my post on Thursday my OCD kicked in as it does when I get anxious, and that really was the first sign, and to add I couldn’t remember some things so when the proverbial shit hit the fan my thoughts got all muddled, and basically I lost round one, and I loathe that feeling of hopelessness when you can’t articulate properly.
I’m on my own at the moment I cancelled with friends a couple of times this week, which was difficult as they are amongst my most trusted confidants, and now feel terrible that I have ignored messages, now that has to be rectified and as always I have to give an exact explanation, again that sucks a little but they deserve that from me.
My closet friend is still away and we did have a brief chat last night, which helped some, but I miss his counsel and the calming effect he has on me and without him I feel a little anchorless.
I’ll finish on a high note, firstly I was nominated for the One Lovely Blog, by Meg over at http://mediocremeg.wordpress.com which was well lovely and had great fun doing the blog and nominating others.
Second high was I belong to a local community group and I have been asked to speak at a conference next week. I still need the final ok, but was thrilled to be asked, so this week I’ll be busy getting notes together, if I don’t get to speak I might blog about it instead.
In hindsight just a crappy week, but with a couple of highs, I can cope with that, and the big bad wolf can knock all wants to, but he’s not coming in.