Still feeling a little out of sorts from yesterday, this morning I took a turn around the local park (above) this is taken near the Castle entrance, it cleared my head and the low-level anxiety started to fade.
As the day wore on I felt better, had a chat with my bestie(best friend) and as usual made me laugh and thankfully will be returning in a few days.
Sometimes I think I rely too much on my bestie, he never makes me feel that way I I’m very supportive of him, however he still seems to bear the brunt of my neurosis, which as you can imagine has numerous peeks and troughs.
His counsel is always pretty sound, and I listen which in former times would never have happened my natural stubbornness always preventing me from making choices that help me.
Asking for help is so bloody hard, because you then have to explain, the trouble is you hold back so much initially through fear of not being taken seriously and it takes time to build up that trust, however there cam the time when I had to seek help, as I couldn’t see the way clear, my mind was being pulled in several directions with surreal flights of fancy, it was hard to tell what was real.
I’m learning to be independent again, but don’t want to go it alone, I know how that ended, but want real autonomy in my life without relying so heavily on my friends, I want my friendships to be on a more equal footing.
I’m still dealing with several issue which is to do with my homelessness dilemma, although I’m fairly settled now, but I need to have my own space, not that I have anything, having lost all 2 years ago, so even though I’m going through the process of rebuilding myself, but I need to set down solid roots again.
This is the part of my journey that I’m having the most trouble with reconciling in my mind, being homeless, again looking at me you wouldn’t think it would happen to someone like me, I didn’t think it could ever happen and when I play the scene over and over in my mind standing there with one suitcase and the clothes I stood up in shakes me to my very core, and I still have hope, how ironic is that!.
Well I have a job which doesn’t really pay enough for me to even start saving towards a deposit, but it’s a job, I do have a roof over my head, and I still have my suitcase, with a few more possessions than I left with, but all my memories are tied up in my old home, things don’t matter so much, but I have nothing of my mother’s all the old photo’s are gone, and they can not be replaced, I’m living with it but doubt I’ll get over it, it’s like grieving over a part of my life that I can never get back.
It’s said when you hit rock bottom the only way is up, well I’m on my way I’m standing straight my heads up, but I need to come full circle to be complete.