Your so slow, Your clumsy, Why are you so stupid, Just look at your face, Why can’t you be like….. You must try harder
You accept them because they come from a place of authority, even though they have their effect, in terms of making you doubt your abilities, your looks, the way you speak, walk, eat your food, but you see the adults don’t realise that.
Words can cause irreparable harm and of course as you get older and hear those words or similar in the work place, relationship, friends it just reinforces those feelings you had as a child, that’s why some appear to be very sensitive about everything, then your, “your over reacting”, you can’t win.
To talk is to interact and we can’t possibly know what might be a trigger for some and yet even though we supposedly live in more open times, most fear speaking up because they might cause offense but rarely because they might hurt another’s feelings.
As depressives know, the platitudes are meaningless, because the people uttering them lack the understanding of your condition, so they say things like “get a grip” jeez if I only I could get a grip on your throat I’ve often thought, I wouldn’t of course, but there are times when words make me want to lash out.
Words spewed forth are like physical blows, from strangers they don’t hurt so much but from those who know you well, they know where to aim and what will cause the most damage, and that is more of a control issue too, and it’s a tough cycle to break, as people smell what they perceive to be weakness, and seek to open those fissures wider.
I often wonder, if people think what happens after they have put their words out into the open, do they realise, their friends/relatives may go home and self harm, entertain thoughts of suicide or in fact do so, if not the extreme reaction they just bury themselves a little deeper into their personal darkness.
Sometimes we lose the will to fight back, I know I did, so you sit there mute taking each verbal dart as though you deserve it, it’s payback, what they say only reinforces the negative thoughts you have about yourself, after all you’re your own harshest critic.
I have learned to choose my words more carefully, not only to others but when directed at myself, because I’m not that stupid clumsy girl anymore, but for a long time I believed I was.