During my depressive state I had no objectivity at all, it was the same self loathing and my thoughts always came back to that, I was trapped within that perspective.
When asked to describe my former self, it wasn’t easy because of the walls I’d built around my self, protective walls I thought, so I had to break my own barriers.
Lets see, I’ve always had a big personality (too much according to some) and never suffered from shyness, quick to laughter, that’s why working with people always suited me.
Outspoken, to the point of bluntness, if there was a thing that shouldn’t be said I said it, I can keep a confidence, though to many I was insensitive until they got to know me, often I did realise I might have been a little too surgical in my assessment and would take the person aside and explain.
Sarcastic in mainly in a jokey way but again often sed to fall foul of people who “didn’t get my humour.
Quick to lose my temper and really lose it, but once all said and done, was able to move past it, though I didn’t always tell others that.
Kind, my mother always said underneath all that I was one of the kindest people she knew, I cannot bear to see others suffering in any way, and tend to be able to feel their emotions, empathetic I suppose you could call it, but no matter who or what the circumstances I would reach out.
Those are the main traits, though I was pretty hard living for a long time, hence missing and ignoring all the warnings about what my high levels of stress could do to me, when your young your think your going to live forever, nice dream as long as you don’t crash headlong into a wall.
My only addiction was cigarettes, but I did drink heavily at one time, loved the club scene, and lived on a diet of coffee and cigarettes and late nights, not much of a life really but didn’t know I could change.
Well I have changed and am still changing, the personality has come back but turned down a couple of notches, meaning I’m happy to let others share the spotlight, my kindness and empathy is intact, but with more depth of understanding and compassion.
I have a sarcastic wit, but now I give warnings, but have always enjoyed banter especially when we can play on words, my humour is also pretty earthy, but that’s ok.
I rarely lose my temper now, I think that is the best one, I used to get so angry for no reason, and blow it out of proportion, now I will sit and think about the situation more rationally, and talk instead of shout, wow when I think of the energy wasted.
The outspokenness is still there but now more measured, “I think before I speak” and that’s helped me a lot, because as in your face as I was I kept so much of myself hidden it was like a defence mechanism to keep myself being apart of the dialogue.
I’m no way perfect and don’t want to come across evangelical about recovery, however really looking at myself for the first time in years, I could see that changes needed to be made if I was to safeguard my mental health.
It’s been bloody hard, I’m my harshest critic,but I was never prepared to make changes, I was chained to the walls I’d built around myself, they were there to protect me, but of course they didn’t, they came tumbling down slowly over a 20 year period, I would try to rebuild, but in the end I couldn’t, no sooner I’d build a wall another sank into the quick sand and left me treading air.
The changes are ongoing, and I’m getting to know this lighter version of me, and as always hope that it will continue, I wholly accept who I was as it’s helped me to become who I am now, it’s all about growth, and I like it.