I Can’t Go Back To Yesterday.

charles bukowskiReading Writing 101 yester the topic was what is your greatest fear an anxiety, well I have many fears unfortunately they visited me all at once as documented here over the last month.

But perhaps by greatest fear was one of change, not just my circumstances but changing myself inside out on my journey back to health.

I realised when I hit rock bottom and, the subsequent months festering in my pit of despair, when I did finally admit that I needed help, that really scared me, and brought on a whole new set of anxiety’s to deal with.

I feared opening up to others because of judgment, embarrassment, stubbornness, and also I just didn’t want help, not that anyone ever wants to feel like that, but I felt I was broken and unfixable.

I feared getting better, that too was hard I got so used to feeling nothing and looking at the world with unseeing eyes, I’d forgotten how to function.

I feared that once I did start to open up, what was I going to do with all that stuff that had been locked away for years, I would be naked without my depression, it had become the norm.

I feared leaving my room

I feared staying in my room

I feared day

I feared night

I feared people

I feared my thoughts

The only thing I didn’t fear was the wolf whispering his messages of hopelessness in my ear I welcomed it, it made me feel secure if that makes sense.

When changes did start to happen and by that I bathing putting clean clothes on and leaving my room, visiting my therapist, I began to talk, though the poor woman just had nothing but silence for about two weeks, then I did it I started talking, my god that was hard, it was akin to splitting open a vein each week, as all about me just tumbled out.

It’s amazing what we keep buried inside us, and when we began to connect the dots so much came to light, and often I left in tears feeling worse than before, but as the connections were made and I really thought about what had been revealed about myself, there was a glimmer.

It takes a long time before you can see that life can be tricky,I didn’t have any major revelations to make, however I’d been drowning in thoughts that I was not good enough and nearly damn near killed myself in trying to prove differently.

I began to feel differently about myself and more objective, and set goals to change my thinking on many things, also to learn to accept me with all my foibles, so some things I’ve retained like my outspokenness, I’m just not obnoxious about it now, the need to constantly prove myself, most of all pushing people away, being a loner by choice that has been hard to change, and funnily I like people but often prefer my own company.

The main changes happened on the inside and for the first time in years I’m calm, rarely lose my temper, think before I speak, and can walk away from stressful situations and not sit for hours allowing events to churn in my mind and growing into a monster who then lashes out.

Depression is aging, so a lot of work had been done on the external, but I’m comfortable with my extra lines they have a story to tell and I’ve earned them the hard way.

When I came back to blogging a month ago there fear was I wouldn’t have a voice but I did and have been humbled by the blogs I read and the struggles others are going through and the honesty of their personal journey’s.

I do fear that I will backslide sometimes, but I have learned not to be so hard on myself a bad day is just that, not everyone is nice and I can walk away, but mostly I have a pretty good group of people around me that nourish me in so many different ways, they have become my family and all I have to do is pick up the phone and say I need a chat…..

About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
This entry was posted in Blogs, Depression, Mental Health and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to I Can’t Go Back To Yesterday.

  1. thenoveilst says:

    Aww…that’s sweet. 🙂


  2. I had therapy during my divorce, but not because of my divorce. More because it was a perfect storm of bad circumstances all happening at once. I only had four sessions with my “professional friend” as I called him. Honestly… I felt a little better to get stuff off my chest but I don’t think he was the right therapist for me. I just didn’t completely click with him.

    I know I need therapy again, to deal with a specific aspect of my marriage that continues to rear its ugly head, but living here in the US there’s always a cost involved and I simply can’t afford it. If I had the money, I’d do it though.


    • Cost that is the issue at least with the NHS it’s available and with my work I had medical insurance was able to get treatment.

      I used the same therapist twice and though she was very good, I didn’t do that well with it, it opened up too many wounds and I wasn’t able tocope with it so I stopped, then went back agin, it was really good to talk things out, and I felt I got more out of it the second time around. It got me to face up to other areas of my life that were weighing me down. It does help but most of the hard work will still be up to you.

      Liked by 1 person

      • True, but I needed someone to ask questions and to probe, which he didn’t. He pretty much just listened. Maybe I should have set different expectations up front.

        What always amused me was how time warped and vanished in a heartbeat during the sessions LOL


Comments are closed.