I’ve always lived or worked in noisy environments, which sometimes used to crowd in on me, being a person who has always spent a lot of time in their head, not a day dreamer but I always felt it was important to have time to the think.
I like night-time and early mornings best, often either walking at night lost in the anonymity of the dark, usually smoking with just my thoughts for company, or I’d sit long into the night letting the quite wrap around me like a blanket, with the early mornings it was different I like to mellow into my day and that quiet before the day starts helps me get centered.
The problems began when I started having mild panic attacks, strange the doctor used the word “mild” when I thought I’d been beset by some terrible illness which of course in hindsight I was, however the anxiety that they could strike at any time disrupted my silent time.
Now during the night I thought of everything instead of nothing everynight like clockwork my mind switched onto high gear and just would not shut down, each day waking exhausted, each day becoming more fractious, each day losing a little of myself, I was on a merry go round and couldn’t get off.
The nights were now filled with the clatter of my mind like a kaleidoscope ever-changing and fracturing before I could fully grasp a thought, silence had now become my enemy of sorts, I tried hard to fill the space with noise, but couldn’t hear anything, all I saw were lips moving doing a crazy dance that made no sense, but then I became silent, my head spill internal without a point of exit.
When each day is the same, depression can and does bring you to the point of madness, at one time I literally didn’t sleep for three weeks, and the collage of images that passed before me were not silent, they were bright so bright blinding colours that streamed across the walls,crawled up my legs, the intensity of those grotesque images can haunt me still.
It was during this period when “ending it” seemed to be the only viable option and spent many hours pondering on how I would do it, but being a coward I didn’t, in my angrier moments I often lamented I couldn’t even do that my failure as a human being was now complete.
All of that has now passed, and I’m on a different path, but I’ve been humbled by this illness and realise how very fragile we all are, and sometimes it take the silence of the night to bring your thoughts full circle and find peace.