“A girl once told me
To be careful
When trying to fix a broken person
For you may cut yourself on their
As I continue to recount my journey here, so many aspects of depression occur to me, so if I seem repetative my apologies.
I found the sheer loneliness of my illness robbed me of so many of the basic everyday life skills, that it reinforced my feelings of unworthiness.
Firstly when looking in the mirror I had no reflection in that I mean I didn’t recognise the person there.
Who was that person with lifeless eyes ringed with dark circles, the dull spotty skin, hair that was falling out by the handful.
I developed OCD, and the constant ritualistic nature of that, can render you not only unable to function, or even leave the house, it all just serves to hide your illness further underground.
When you think of nothing and at the same time everything, day in day out, with no point of exit, you internalise which only feeds your altered reality.
When asked “why didn’t you get help” they just don’t get that you don’t want to reveal that you haven’t been outside for days, weeks even, or you spend your night’s shaking under the duvet with nameless terror that they’re going to get you, for sleep is rarely dreamless.
It’s so so lonely, you feel alone you are alone until you are able to seek help, that can be lonely too at first, that was one if the things that brought me back to life, I loathed feeling lonely, unworthy, not recognising myself, just the whole process of being ill.
It’s taken the last two years of my life, even more than that I stopped liking me, I’ve learned the most important relationship I have is the one I have with myself.
My recovery continues, I still have rocky days and it beats being locked inside myself.
“Somebody asked me if I knew you
A million memories flashed through my mind.
I just smiled and said I used to”