Writing my last piece proved to be cathartic in many ways, not that I just want to dwell on the negative but it gives me a record of where I was and where I am now.
I wouldn’t say that I have left the last two years behind me, but in trying to move forward can have it’s obstacles too, the difference is that running for cover is not always the first option.
I’ve always preferred the witching hours, to me the best part of the day and practically the only time my mind seems to switch off and I’m thankful for that. I often when recovering could be found walking until the early hours, my silent foots tracing those that gone before me during the day, occasionally imagining where they went and for what purpose, every street,house has a story a theater if you will which plays 24/7 the circle of life never stops and rolls out to its own conclusions.
Being an invisible person in terms of not having a home, brought home to me that anything can happen if you take your eye of the ball, I didn’t have the stories to tell, of broken lives that force people to live outside of society, I’m just an ordinary woman who didn’t take care of the things that matter and paid my own price for it, I can blame but to be honest it was me and I have to own that, but not let it define me I fucked up and it’s taken me a year or more to deal with it.
Getting myself back into the land of the living was the first terrifying step, walking to the end of the street was a major achievement, that fist time the world seemed to tilt feeling as though in a huge bubble as I navigated my way to the corner shop of course I didn’t go in, that meant having contact with people, strangely it wasn’t so hard to walk back to my accommodation and close the door with relief, took about three days before I tried again.
The upshot being it took a few weeks but I overcame in the end score 1 to me and over time managed to walk into town and even take the bus step by step I was on my way back, I faltered many times but eventually was able to go to town daily for longer periods score 2 to me.
Eventually I started to talk to people other than my knight in shining armour who was still giving me shelter, it was hard to talk because I was ashamed and made up stories about my absence fearing lack of empathy and judgement, which was unfair, but the need to protect myself was paramount, over time I let a few in on what was really happening several just gave me a hug and reached out to lend support others not so forthcoming with understanding one particularly vocal(they have gone into the toxic bin) mostly though it mirrored their own fears that if it could happen to me then it could to them, but the illness is a different animal altogether, but the homeless situation was more focussed on seemingly easier to grasp that emotional collapse.
A year ago I started to work again being a private tutor I got a couple of students and began to teach which was a real confidence booster, also earning money made me feel useful and less invisible and tentatively to socialise but only with a very select few and it felt good not to totally focus on myself, and from and unexpected source another acquaintance whom I’d bumped into and suddenly blurted out my tale offered me a room, she too suffered with depression and knew exactly where I was coming from and it seems to have worked out as we have helped each other which is great but most importantly managed to maintain our own space when needed.
Fast forward I got another job in a restaurant and just volunteered my services, that gave me the daily interaction I needed so now two jobs a home also I have retrained and forging a new self-employed career all is working out.
There are still dark days and days when I find it hard to get out of bed, but I’m not scared anymore I have a long way to go yet, however the challenges are small and I take baby steps and slowly getting to a point where I can meet my goals.
As the title of the blog say I tread water daily and somehow I’m keeping afloat, but mostly I gave myself permission to like myself again and found that I’m not bad……..