Don’t Look Back In Anger

It’s been over two years since I last wrote an entry on here, now I’m a little nervous as I attempt to dip my toe back into the world of blogging.

Much has happened, not all of it good, well it’s been pretty much a hellish two years and I’m still trying to regain some perspective, humour, sanity.

Plunging right in, basically I crashed, through s series of bad decisions, or burying my head in the sand I lost everything the details don’t really matter but the result was I became for a short time homeless.

Coupled with that depression set in so deep I didn’t think I’d see daylight again it was touch and go for a very long time.

For about six months of sofa surfing and relying on friends I became invisible, one of those people you walk past on the street(not that I ended up there) but the effect was the same, disposessed is the word I think, it’s so difficult the to describe the utter utter failure I felt in not managing to keep my home but also letting things go so far that it actually happened.

When you go to the advisory services it’s amazing they see someone reasonably well-educated seemingly having it all and now there begging for a room anything anywhere almost in which to lay your head, and do you know what they can’t help you at all, if you’re not an addict of some kind(not to minimise their problems) but at that stage I could think about myself.

Let me tell you this homelessness/depression does not recognise:

Age Sex colour

Where you went to school

What your job is

Where you live/lived

How much money you earn/earned

It simply does not calculate these factors and when and if it happens it’s almost like having to reinvent yourself to become visible.

I was quite lucky not having to go into a shelter or hostel, but having to go to the same places for advice you meet people from every walk of life possible and realise that many are in the same position as you, their fall through the cracks no less spectacular, the effects equally devastating.

You cannot receive any assistance because you made yourself intentionally homeless according to their rules, and believe me they aren’t interested in the reasons as to why, some like myself got caught up in the system and the help when it did arrive was too late and there was nothing that could be done, and your told that with a shrug of the shoulders, not to blame them they just have to work within the system.

Without money you cannot survive and eating daily became a fulltime occupation, even though I was sofa hopping with some it was a bit much to ask for a meal with others it was more forthcoming, also a matter of where to store your possessions, though i lost most of mine(can’t even begin to put a price on the sentimental value on the loss of pictures and personal items)

The other aspect of being out all day not wanting to hang around at someones house, and running from one office to another to try to get someone not only to listen but understand that your issues are important and need immediate attention, of course others are in worse positions, but trying to survive or find a bed that night drives all those considerations from your mind.

Surprisingly there are some friends who didn’t want to deal with my mounting problems and lets say kicked me when I was down that hurt as some were friends of many years standing, and you can’t help but think back when one or two had been in similar situations and I threw open my doors to then and fed clothed also, not that makes me an angel but I do belive in basic humanity, so with all of that I had to now reassess friendships.

I found many unexpected kindnesses along the way(more of that later) which kept me going and for that I will be eternally grateful.

Lets see now at this time good ole depression decide to pay me a visit and I don’t use the word lightly, it is an illness not some trendy word for being a little bit down as many seem to think.

I hit the wall fell down and barely managed to surface for about eight months(luckily I was in one place at this time) well I can tell you dark days wasn’t even the tip of the iceberg, not only did I feel that I was wading through treacle, hives, hair loss, huge weight loss, migraines,alternatively sleeping for what seemed like days on end or so wide awake for days on end that I was having hallucinations and being reclusive, well terrified to go out.

All in all not a great time, several visits to the doctors left me exasperated, as all they want to do is medicate you, but not really it seemed to be in deal with the issues at hand, the pills made me feel worse I’m also diabetic and some didn’t react well with my medication for that so mind and body just seemed to collapse in on itself.

Just wanting to die is a understaement I have never felt so utterly and completely worthless and for someone like me who has always been a fighter to be so defeated pushed me to the edge.

It would have been a relief just to fall into the chasm anything so i didn’t have to deal with my mounting problems and with absolutely no strength to even get out of bed.

As I said this went on for around eight months and I have no idea when the change started but day by day it started to lift, little things like getting out of bed, taking a shower, eating very small amounts, not a miracle you understand but subtle changes, I would still revert back for a week or so, but making the effort didn’t seem so terrifying.

The friend who I was staying with at this time had the patience of a saint, he just gave me the space to try to heal, giving me assurances that I could stay as long as needed, a very special person, he also assisted me in getting myself back on my feet, his support then and today cannot be measured he helped me back to life, held my hand, wiped away my tears, hugged me often.

This has helped putting this into words, my journey has been a long one and will continue, life is not perfect, not that I can expect it to be  most importantly I’m on my way back, it’s not about it being better than before it’s about taking it one day at a time

About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness. This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time. If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here. Thanks for reading.:)
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4 Responses to Don’t Look Back In Anger

  1. Wow… I can only relate to some of this… depression doesn’t visit for a few days, it stays for months. it lingers like a bad smell. And while I didn’t suffer all the symptoms you went through (or, perhaps, their consequences) I can relate to the utter feeling of despair… of becoming a recluse… of just wanting to curl up and have it all come to a gentle end.

    I never sought help. I didn’t see the point. I didn’t want anyone to tell me to “cheer up” or “pull myself together” or to give me some pills.

    I can’t relate to everything you’re going through but, clearly, you’re a fighter and you’re a survivor. You may still have some battles ahead but you can win them. And you are not alone.


  2. Pingback: Hope Is A Good Place To Start. | The Rabbit Hole

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