Short answer it doesn’t, I only bring this up today because a friend has had a recent bereavement and whilst being told about it, her friend said “this must bring back memories for you” I know she didn’t mean anything by it, but I did have to swallow the retort “did you think I’d forgotten”
Grief as I found was all consuming and for me the aftermath had a devastating effect on my life, which I was ill prepared to deal with.
And here I am nine years later still grieving though I accept what has happened and understand death is a part of life so I live with it, but don’t think I’ll fully get over it.
My mother and I didn’t have the closest relationships but there was love and respect there, which took a longtime to get there our acceptance of each other and the different paths we chose to take our lives, which is no mean feat.
If I’m honest what I miss most are our battles which at times were epic other times slow burning, but always another learning curve for each we seemed to find new dimensions in our relationship to outsiders would appear dysfunctional, but to us it was like a tango.
Our relationship brought out the very best and the very worst in us but we were always able to come together our silences rarely lasting more than a couple of days.
There was on my part the most incredible respect for her and what she had achieved not only within the family unit which was challenging to say the least on a daily basis but her career achievements, and her never-ending kindness to others and the respect garnered there.
Her quest for helping others achieve their potential which included myself bordered evangelical she really believed you can attain anything and obstacles are to be overcome, so your path might have many twists and turns, but always keep your goal in mind and it will happen.
So in my grief and my loss of confidence ( a first) I hear the echos of her voice and more and more I’m able to rise to the challenge of life instead of hiding from it, and that her spirit still gives me the strength to face each new day, that is the goal to face it and to make a difference for yourself.
So no I haven’t forgotten what it felt like when she died, but I miss my touchstone, my gladiator the feeling of home and the knowledge that no-one loves you like your mother/father, there are times when the sun seems to shine just on me and I fancy it’s her smiling at me nudging me along “whispering it’s alright”.
I’ve learned to live with grief but will always feel the loss like a physical blow, but that’s good thing to feel.