Another sleepless night beyond the witching hour, I’m getting used to this or there are too many thoughts swirling around when I should be at rest.
Thinking back to a conversation a few months ago when a friend again attributed to me the slogan “you’re a strong woman” several have done that over the years and it’s a mantle I wear uneasily.
I think as even as a child the idea of being strong, dependable, appealed, though I never thought for a second that it would become a part of how some view me.
It has always fallen to me to help friends in times of need though sometimes I question that act, as many times I’m asked to help and I do, I will stand for those who can’t speak for themselves but again, I don’t feel it’s an act of strength rather than doing what is expected.
In doing what is expected I’ve fallen into a trap, of being strong for others but not always for myself, or indeed finding someone to be strong for me, which rarely happens, I’m often left to deal with my own problems, whilst they smile and say “you’re a strong woman” when inside I weep.
Another aspect of this persona of strength is that my crying has to be done privately, if done in public even with those closet to me, there is sympathy , empathy even but it’s short-lived and I’m left with the feeling that I should really pull my socks up and get on with it, such is the folly of relationships and their expectations from you.
This sounds like my friends are uncaring which they are not but I think in any group dynamic were all assigned roles and mine is being the “go to” person, when I’ve fallen down that rabbit hole and it has taken me several years to find my way back, now that took a different kind of strength to resurface and believe in myself again, after all I’m just one woman trying to make sense of the world around me.